It's the summer of 2019, and it was supposed to be a great one. I had all my goals and plans laid out, and I was so looking forward to three months of bliss, peace, and accomplishment. My best friend and I couldn't wait for summer, and all the time and joy it would bring. Time we were supposed to be spending together, working with the horses, riding, doing farm chores and horse shows, and overall just having a great time....
The key words there were; "supposed to be." It is now July 17, and we have spent all of about 3 or 4 days together. Needless to say, none of our goals or plans have even really been started.
There's a lot of things that have gone wrong so far this summer, honestly. Fights with my mom, inappropriate comments to me from her boyfriend, mom banning me from my now-ex-boyfriend (he and I broke up after his mom, too, banned us from seeing each other), I've barely been able to see my friends and mom had me locked in the house with all my things taken away so I had no contact at all with my friends for weeks.... the list goes on and on.
Luckily, things have started to get better now. I've moved in with my dad, I've been able to see my friends again, and I haven't been locked in the house. I even have a bit of a tan now, so I don't look like Casper anymore!
Still, this summer so far has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Enough so that I wasn't even sure I was going to still be alive by the start of this coming school year. It got quite terrifying for a while. My motivation to do anything, even be alive, was slowly but surely slipping away more and more with each passing day that mom had me locked in the house, away from everything and everyone I love. She was telling me to fix myself, but saying to do it alone, and that I was fine and didn't need help. What she couldn't seem to realize is that she was killing me.
Now, I know if she ever read this she'd scoff and laugh in my face, claiming that I'm just being dramatic and, once again, that I'm fine. But she'd be wrong. Even my best friend's grandpa, in the handful of times he's seen me, has said that I seem different. My best friend wasn't sure, but we're both pretty sure that he meant that I seemed less happy and just overall changed from who I was.
I wish I could go back to before my mom met her boyfriend, had a miscarriage, and moved him in. Things between her and I were amazing back then. Our relationship was doing really well, and I trusted her. Now we might as well be strangers. She and I have both changed. Her for the worse and me... well, I'm just darker, sadder, and overall unhappier. I want to be happy. I really do. I just don't know how anymore.
